By Tori 
In the previous post, I posted tips on how to make friends as an adult, and as crazy as this may sound, that is the easy part of friendships; surviving them is the real test. By surviving friendships I mean, ensuring your friendships survive in the long run, the issues, ensuring your friendships can endure. Essentially, cultivating resilience in friendships. This is important to know about because all healthy friendships go through seasons of trial. It’s normal because a friendship is made of two or more individuals who think differently, value, and believe in different things; so of course, friction is bound to happen at some point. How the friction is resolved makes the difference in whether the friendship survives or not.
To begin with, setting boundaries. Recently, this has been a rising hot topic and I am glad more attention is coming to this. Boundaries are a huge factor in how far relationships and friendships go. Healthy friendships have boundaries in place and the boundaries are well respected. You should feel enough freedom in your friendships to set boundaries for yourself. Do not sit quietly in a friendship where you constantly feel violated, shamed, disrespected, and more. Do not be quick to jump into aggression towards your friend(s) as a defense as well. It is healthier to set boundaries first and see how that boundary is taken.
In a friendship, if you are on the receiving end of a boundary, take some time to think about the boundary. Boundaries are personal and a reflection of how your friend is feeling. Healthy boundaries do not arise from malice. Take some time to think about your actions and how they have been affecting your friendship and then actively try to change those actions or at the very very least, be conscious of them.
Notice how I keep referring to healthy boundaries, unhealthy boundaries are a whole other issue. Unhealthy boundaries are unfair, extremely limiting, and sometimes offensive. An example of an unhealthy boundary is “I don’t like it when you come to talk to me at work because I feel a little embarrassed. If you do that again, I will have to walk away”. To the friend receiving this, it may not be taken so well for obvious reasons. Boundaries are very sensitive in friendships and learning more about them can help survive friendships. Let me know in the comments if I should do a whole post on boundaries, how to set them, when to set them, and more.
Secondly, communication is very important but in this case, difficult communication. By difficult communication, I mean those conversations when setting boundaries, confronting your friends, calling out your friends, and more. Difficult conversations are needed to continue a healthy friendship. These conversations are labeled difficult because there is no predictable reaction that your friend will have and you as the communicator may have no control over the fate of the friendship. However, remember these conversations are needed to continue a healthy friendship, healthy being the keyword.
As a friend you need to communicate if something is bothering you or if you feel unhappy/ disrespected in a friendship. This should go without saying but this communication should be well thought out, respectful, and truthful. Due to the ‘weight’ of the conversation, it’s wise to not put yourself or the friendship in a compromising position, a position where you will not be able to fully express yourself. If you feel like you won’t be able to communicate efficiently face to face, you can call your friend. If you feel like you can’t call, sending a voicemail or video is another better option. Those are my preferred methods of deep communication in friendship because anything other than that may not fully deliver the tone that is vital in this situation. Otherwise, communicate with your friends. We would all like to be a part of healthy friendships and this can make a great difference.
The burning question now is, what if you’re the one getting communicated to? Listening may just be as important as communicating if not more important. This begins with how you react when your friend is communicating their piece. Are you interrupting their piece? Are you getting worked up and defending yourself? These are some examples of unhealthy listening mechanisms. When your friend is communicating, you should remain quiet and listen to understand not to respond. It is not an obligation for you to respond immediately after, you are allowed to think about your response. In addition, trying to see what your friend is communicating through their eyes can make receiving this information slightly easier. Be an active listener. I know what they may be saying may be difficult to hear but trying to maintain eye contact, nodding…you know, the simple nonverbal actions can help the situation. If nothing is gained from that conversation, let your friend at least feel heard.
Now that the communication has happened, your friend now wants some space. What do you do? Do you retract back your words? Do you go into victim mode? I think it is totally normal for people to want space from each other. This space should not come from a place of malice but rather a need to think and process. I also think that the space should be reasonably long and the length should be stated when this space is being announced. For example, “…and that is why I think I need some space from this friendship for a week”. That is healthy and it gives the other party a time frame to work with. It also sets some expectations at the end of that set time. When your friend says they want space, it’s wise to give them just that. I don’t see how your friend may want pace and you want to disrespect that by being in their space all the time.
Being open to growth greatly survives friendships. Wanting to show up as your best self to your friends is important. By this, I don’t mean always being proper, not showing any emotion, well dressed, etc. I mean, if your friends bring up something to you that is affecting them or they are calling out some negative behavior in you. Again, healthy friendships do not have any malice when communicating this. It is highly important to at least hear your friends out and see where they are coming from. If you can see some truth, the wiser thing to do is see how to change that. That is growth. To detach yourself from what is being communicated and see it for what it is.
One of the worst things you can do is sit there after your friend has pointed that out for you and say, “That is how I was raised” or “That is just who I am”, without any consideration of the matter whatsoever. That is a closed mindset that in the long run affects many friendships. The rigidness, the unwillingness to grow and be a better person. I am not saying that you should just take what your friend is saying and run with it. If you feel what they are saying is not true or you don’t agree with it, you can say something like, “…I am sorry this is affecting you. I will take it into consideration.” Simple. It assures your friend at the very least that you have heard them and you are considering it.
Lastly, apologies. One of the most tricky parts of friendships. Apologies tend to feel uncomfortable and humbling. Most people do not like apologizing. However, if we are cultivating healthy friendships, they have to be a part of our routine. When you are apologizing, I believe that you should say sorry, what you are sorry for, how you think it affected the person and reassure them that it won’t happen again or that you have changed. A good apology needs to come from the heart. Who is it benefiting if you’re only apologizing so that your friend feels satisfied? Is that a healthy friendship?
Additionally, if you are apologizing, you need to be prepared for the possibility that your apology may be rejected. Most of us assume that when we apologize, forgiveness is guaranteed but that is not the case all the time. Your friend’s reaction is out of your hands after your apology and that’s okay. You started your truth and apologized, now it’s time to give room to your friend. If you are on the receiving end, evaluate all sides of the problem with the success of the friendship in mind. You are allowed to accept or reject the apology. This depends on how you feel after the whole ordeal. There is no one way to act towards this. What you feel after the apology is valid.
To conclude, friendships are complex, and maintaining a healthy environment in them requires work from all the parties involved. It takes intention, practice, compassion, empathy, self-awareness and so much more. I know, it’s a lot but it’s possible. The benefits of healthy friendships completely surpass the difficulty of their maintenance. Friendships are beautiful, supportive, healing, fun, and all that good stuff that you can only appreciate and unlock in a healthy friendship. Take that time and risk to build healthy friendships. Let me know your experience in this in the comments below; and as usual, be yourself, have a free mind and spirit, be wise, and protect yourself. All the best!
-Tori